i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
