I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
