Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
