You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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