I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
