Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
