my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
