I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
