Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
