Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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