I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It was confusing and full of hummus
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
