a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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