I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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