She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
