Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
