Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
All the doctor said was why
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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