I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
