You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
