i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
