if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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