Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
