somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
