when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
