you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
