god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
