Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
