dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
