I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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