idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
