mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
