we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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