I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
