I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
