I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i believe in u and ur pee
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
