My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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