she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
