If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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