me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Let's paint friendship bongs
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
