Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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