I look better un-naked...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
