I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
