I wish I only lived at night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
