I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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