Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
