I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
