as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
