upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
