I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
