I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
