toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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