at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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