Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
