dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
